*F*E*A*R*

When I was five my older half brother, Brian, closed me inside of my wooden toy chest. My mom was busy in the kitchen preparing our lunch. I remember screaming as hard as I could, making my throat sore and raw. With all my strength, I kicked the top with my knees from inside to try and escape from the blackness that engulfed me. The air inside smothered me with warmth and it felt as if my hair was strangling me from all sides. I could hear Brian laughing and when he opened the top of the chest, his face quickly changed to regret as he saw the sheer terror in my eyes. Honestly, I was only trapped inside the box for a few seconds more or less. But it felt like an eternity. To this day my breath catches in tight quarters and my heart beats rapidly in the shadows.

I have other "silly" fears; heights, being alone, camping at night (in a tent, in the deep dark woods...)

Then there are the BIGGIES.

1. My Kids Growing Up

Prestton Charles aka Buddy, Brother, Lil Man: age 2
The true baby boy of the family. MELTS my heart!
Likes: cuddles, sleeping in bed with mom, "getting" his sisters, playing hide-and-seek, "I do it" all by himself, CEREAL, cars, trains, dinosaurs, "I play" (going to park), cesar chicken salad
Dislikes: going to his bed, being told no/ later/ not now/ hold on, wearing shoes, sharing, time out

Trynnity Leighann aka Trynn, Trynni, Sugar Bear, Tiny: age 4

STRONG WILLED. Bossy, imaginative & inquisitive.  

Likes: trinkets, shoes, bags/ purses/ little suitcases/ backpacks, getting her nails painted, drawing, reading books, GUM, the dress in this picture, being with big girls, blue blankie, shopping (really I don't know WHO'S child this is) 

Dislikes: someone else telling her what to do, bed time, not being a part of EVERYTHING

Devynn Ashley aka Dev, Devy, Mother Hen: age 10 (11 in 3 days!!!!!!) 

Free spirit, LOUD, genuine, kind; tries hard to fit into every crowd and wants to please everyone

Super BOSS to babies...

Likes: being the center of attention, Taylor Swift, singing in her room, getting her nails done, jewelry, things to be organized, loves animals, being with family, tea, art

Dislikes: confrontation, mean people, not being in control/ in charge, Trynnity going in her room, volleyball

Baylee Cheridon aka Bee, Beebo, Shorty, Bee Bear: age 12 (almost 13...)
The Guinea Pig (she's the oldest...), Attitude, Loving, Outgoing, STRONG, A Guardian of her siblings (even Dev), Accomplished, Athletic, Competitive
Likes: volleyball, modeling, t-shirts, make up, texting, being with friends, movies, baking, being the apple of Prestton and Trynnity's eye, BOYS, lime green, fast cars, trying anything that challenges her
Dislikes: drama, parental intervention, being on restriction, chores, broccoli cheese soup

I just want to hit pause and breath as much of them in as I can. My eyes tear up after each birthday, knowing that it marks one less year they will be under my roof. One more year before they learn how to peddle the wheels on their tricycle, read a book on their own, need a bra (girls only!), or go out on a date. And I WANT them to do all those things and sooooo much more. But I want it to slow down.

2. Something Happening to the Ones I Love

This would include all of the above, my husband, my parents, Jonathan, Walker Family, Lashley Family and friends. It truly terrifies me to think of anything happening to any of them. And as my children grow, the mama bear in me has a heighten awareness for worldly scum. My husband's job (yet another fear) is a daily reminder of what people can be capable of. 

(footnote: notice how 1 & 2 = being alone) 

3. Death

A couple of weeks ago I would have just categorized this under #2. Because loosing any of them is beyond fear... 

Unspeakable anguish.

A couple of weeks ago I would have told you I myself did not have a fear of dying.

But that changed instantly when I was admitted to the hospital for chest pains. After 48 hours and SEVERAL rounds of testing the doctor decided we would do a nuclear stress test. 

The nurse came into my room that sunny afternoon and said they were keeping me due to my test being positive. It read that the lower portion of my heart had poor blood circulation. I needed an angiogram to check for blockages and would need a stint or possibly surgery. 

The FEAR I felt at five years old in that dark toy chest... desperately trying to catch my breath in the smoldering darkness... rushed through my body. The blood drained from my head as I tried to process what was happening. 

Is she really saying what I think she is saying? MY heart? WHAT??!!! Wait... I am not that old... I have kids... my kids...

WHY?!! Why did I not take better care of myself? Why is this happening? 

And there in that bright sunny room, surrounded by family and friends I felt totally ALONE! Billy was holding my hand, Amber was embracing my other arm and I could not feel anything but numbness. I closed my eyes and prayed. I thought of all the happy parts of my life. My babies being born, holding them, watching all their first, being there for them. Meeting Billy. My wedding day. Key West (one of our stops on our honeymoon). Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, POSITIVE THOUGHTS. 

Then 24 hours later I was cleared. No blockage. I was told that the stress test had been a false positive. 

God certainly answers prayers. It may have been His gentle nudge for me to slow down, take care of myself.... breathe. 

I was on bed rest for a couple of days after my procedure to heal. The doctors are still not certain what is going on, but are guessing it could be esophageal spasms. The symptoms are comparable to having a heart attack and can be more severe with stress. I have an appointment to check for clots in my legs next week, but feel much more confidant that everything will be alright. 

Meaning my kids will not (at the moment) be alone. I am not alone.

In a way it's a chance to make things right. Taking care of me = taking care of my family. Allowing me the time to cherish the here and now... without so much fear. 

Live, Laugh, Love... FEARLESS