And Then There Was Devynn

July 1999- 6 weeks after officially dating Billy we took a road trip to Moreno Valley, Oceanside and San Diego California. Piled into his white 1990 Mustang with No Doubt blaring through the speakers on highway 8, Baylee sat behind the driver's seat eating red seedless grapes by the handfuls. His mom had carefully packed them each with the stem still on to preserve their freshness. Her sticky, chubby hands continued to reach into the blue cooler for more.The windows were down and I remember Billy's hair flying around as the wind swept through the front of the car. It was the first "real" vacation I had taken since giving birth to Baylee a little more than a year ago. Billy and I had planned the trip when we were "just friends", but our relationship had taken off suddenly and we found ourselves spending most of our days together.

Baylee in the back seat of the Mustang

Billy driving to CA

Things were simple...

We spent almost 2 weeks enjoying the California sun and getting a chance to really know each other. On the second to the last day I had that feeling, and deep down I knew... 

I thought I knew before we ever left Tucson 2 weeks before. Amber had come over while I vigilantly opened the purple and white package with shaking hands. My stomach tossed and turned. After 2 minutes the long white stick still had 1 line= not pregnant. A wave of relief washed over me.  I decided then that I would not tell Billy about my "scare".

But now sitting in the burgandy front seat of the Mustang with the smell of sea salt in the air, I knew it was a false negative. I knew that I was carrying Billy's baby and all I needed now was to take another test to confirm it. We pulled into a Walgreens and I quietly purchased another EPT without Billy taking notice. This time there was no wait, the stick quickly showed 2 blue lines. My body trembled as I tried to find the strength to pull myself up.  The last time I announced my pregnancy with Baylee it was met with discontent. And after all, this was NOT the life I had planned for myself.

I was 22. A single mom. With a bi-racial baby. Unwed. With another baby on the way. By another man.

Very large sins for a girl from the south. A girl from anywhere. How did I lead myself down this path?

I opened the bathroom door and there sat Billy. With his soft eyes and tender smile, he KNEW! Without speaking a word he knew and carefully placed his hand in front of my abdomen. He kissed my cheek as water filled his eyes. My heart skipped a few beats, still skeptical of our immediate future, but with assurance that at that moment in time we were enough.

Days before the big news

A couple of days later we packed into the Mustang for the 8 hour drive home. My heart found it's way to my throat as we traveled east. I broke down in tears as I tried to imagine what life would be like with two little ones on my own. Billy turned his head and quickly pulled the car off to the side of the road. He opened my door, took my hand and pulled me out of the car.

"I am not going to leave you," he said intently while looking me straight in the face.
"We will figure this out. But you will not be doing this alone. Do you understand me?"

I shook my head up and down, fighting back the tears. At that moment I realized God was on my side. He blessed me with Baylee, brought Billy into my life and was now giving me another miracle.

Honestly, it took a while for me to accept that I was going to be a mother again. Baylee was still so young and needed me. We were each others world. How would another baby fit into the life we had just began making for ourselves? How would Billy find a permanent place in our lives?

Of course looking back this seems silly to have ever even crossed my mind, but it was how I was feeling at the time. And I was scared. Scared for my Baylee. Scared for what people would do or say. Scared Billy would walk away just as Chauncey did. Scared for the baby that was inside me, that I would not have enough love for it. Scared because the reality of NOT wanting another child at the time was greater then rejoicing at the gift I had been given.

One of our baby showers given by our good friends Jed & Kristen Green

March 13, 2000- 12:14 p.m. Devynn Ashley was born. Weighing less then Baylee at 7lbs 4 oz, she was pale with deep blue eyes and pink thin lips. She had peach fuzz for hair and long fingers. Even as I type this I feel guilty, because as soon as she was placed in my arms I felt panicked. It was all real now. She was here. Devynn could sense my anxiety, as I could not comfort her. She bonded instantly with Billy and I felt trepidation with each passing day.

Devynn just hours old

Devynn would not let me rock her. She did not like to nurse and was colicky. My baby girl appeared to only want her dad. It tore me to pieces.  What kind of mom does not bond with her baby?!!!

My bald baby so tiny to still fit in the sink!

Those first few months were the hardest. Every doubt I had seemed to genuine.

Devynn 6 months

Fast Forward.

March 13, 2011- Devynn just turned 11. WOW! And yes I know I say that with every passing year and with every child, but it amazes me every time! I look back at the day Devynn was born, and yes still feel grief for feeling the way I did, but now know it was not her. It was me. My guilt. My shame. But I am really over it now. I love this little girl fiercely! 

She is the epitome of genuine. Her heart is bigger then Texas and laughter contagious. Devynn is compassionate and down to Earth. She is innocent and so young. (she is preparing for the Tooth Fairy to visit tonight! Post on that soon to come!)

Her room is pink with bright patches of orange and yellow. Taylor Swift covers her walls as well as kittens, horses and pictures of her closest friends. She asked that her birthday be celebrated with only her family this year, a Sunday brunch with fresh flowers and board games. 

Devy's flowers

Us on Dev's Birthday

 There are days when she drives me crazy and other days when she is perfect company. My life would not be complete with out her.

I love all my children. I do not love them the same nor do I love them in equal parts everyday. I love them for who they are. I love them for making up our family. I love them for who they will become. And I love them for making me a better person.

This month I celebrate my Devynn's 11th birthday.

Devynn after a ride with Papa to Starbucks on her birthday

Happy Birthday Devy! I love you!!!!!!!