Even Big Kids...

... need naps too!

Baylee and Devynn

Saturday Morning

There's nothing like

getting tickles

EARLY

on a Saturday morning

from your dad

your brother

 and best friend.

This is

HAPPINESS

This is 

LOVE!

I do Believe in Fairies! I do! I do!

Love, Trust and Pixie Tooth Fairy Dust!

Devynn just lost her 9th tooth. It's been about year since she had any fall out, and this time I thought she had an adult tooth loose! (I swear I need to keep a ledger for these kids) We went to the dentist Monday morning just to be sure, and when she saw the x-ray and KNEW it was not a big girl tooth she began to wiggle it like crazy.

By Tuesday night she had it out. Now, normally we just place the tooth in the Tooth Fairy pillow, place it under the big pillow and voila... fairy dust is scattered, money left, all is good.

Not this night. Not with Miss. Bossy Pants Sugar Bear around.

 

Trynnity had a completely different approach to this TF business. After all, we leave out cookies for Santa, carrots for the Easter Bunny and make traps with cookies to catch Leprechauns... WHY

would we not leave pretzels for the Tooth Fairy (and water in case she gets thirsty)??!!

Trynnity preparing the Toot Fairy Pad

PRAYING the bottom come in as straight as the top!

Needless to say, these two girls set up camp on the floor to try and "catch" the infamous TF. Flashlights, lip gloss "motes" and ABC gum were left out to trap her in action. You can imagine their disappointment when we had no fairy in our home this morning.That just means there were a lot of teeth to gather.

Clap if you BELIEVE!

And Then There Was Devynn

July 1999- 6 weeks after officially dating Billy we took a road trip to Moreno Valley, Oceanside and San Diego California. Piled into his white 1990 Mustang with No Doubt blaring through the speakers on highway 8, Baylee sat behind the driver's seat eating red seedless grapes by the handfuls. His mom had carefully packed them each with the stem still on to preserve their freshness. Her sticky, chubby hands continued to reach into the blue cooler for more.The windows were down and I remember Billy's hair flying around as the wind swept through the front of the car. It was the first "real" vacation I had taken since giving birth to Baylee a little more than a year ago. Billy and I had planned the trip when we were "just friends", but our relationship had taken off suddenly and we found ourselves spending most of our days together.

Baylee in the back seat of the Mustang

Billy driving to CA

Things were simple...

We spent almost 2 weeks enjoying the California sun and getting a chance to really know each other. On the second to the last day I had that feeling, and deep down I knew... 

I thought I knew before we ever left Tucson 2 weeks before. Amber had come over while I vigilantly opened the purple and white package with shaking hands. My stomach tossed and turned. After 2 minutes the long white stick still had 1 line= not pregnant. A wave of relief washed over me.  I decided then that I would not tell Billy about my "scare".

But now sitting in the burgandy front seat of the Mustang with the smell of sea salt in the air, I knew it was a false negative. I knew that I was carrying Billy's baby and all I needed now was to take another test to confirm it. We pulled into a Walgreens and I quietly purchased another EPT without Billy taking notice. This time there was no wait, the stick quickly showed 2 blue lines. My body trembled as I tried to find the strength to pull myself up.  The last time I announced my pregnancy with Baylee it was met with discontent. And after all, this was NOT the life I had planned for myself.

I was 22. A single mom. With a bi-racial baby. Unwed. With another baby on the way. By another man.

Very large sins for a girl from the south. A girl from anywhere. How did I lead myself down this path?

I opened the bathroom door and there sat Billy. With his soft eyes and tender smile, he KNEW! Without speaking a word he knew and carefully placed his hand in front of my abdomen. He kissed my cheek as water filled his eyes. My heart skipped a few beats, still skeptical of our immediate future, but with assurance that at that moment in time we were enough.

Days before the big news

A couple of days later we packed into the Mustang for the 8 hour drive home. My heart found it's way to my throat as we traveled east. I broke down in tears as I tried to imagine what life would be like with two little ones on my own. Billy turned his head and quickly pulled the car off to the side of the road. He opened my door, took my hand and pulled me out of the car.

"I am not going to leave you," he said intently while looking me straight in the face.
"We will figure this out. But you will not be doing this alone. Do you understand me?"

I shook my head up and down, fighting back the tears. At that moment I realized God was on my side. He blessed me with Baylee, brought Billy into my life and was now giving me another miracle.

Honestly, it took a while for me to accept that I was going to be a mother again. Baylee was still so young and needed me. We were each others world. How would another baby fit into the life we had just began making for ourselves? How would Billy find a permanent place in our lives?

Of course looking back this seems silly to have ever even crossed my mind, but it was how I was feeling at the time. And I was scared. Scared for my Baylee. Scared for what people would do or say. Scared Billy would walk away just as Chauncey did. Scared for the baby that was inside me, that I would not have enough love for it. Scared because the reality of NOT wanting another child at the time was greater then rejoicing at the gift I had been given.

One of our baby showers given by our good friends Jed & Kristen Green

March 13, 2000- 12:14 p.m. Devynn Ashley was born. Weighing less then Baylee at 7lbs 4 oz, she was pale with deep blue eyes and pink thin lips. She had peach fuzz for hair and long fingers. Even as I type this I feel guilty, because as soon as she was placed in my arms I felt panicked. It was all real now. She was here. Devynn could sense my anxiety, as I could not comfort her. She bonded instantly with Billy and I felt trepidation with each passing day.

Devynn just hours old

Devynn would not let me rock her. She did not like to nurse and was colicky. My baby girl appeared to only want her dad. It tore me to pieces.  What kind of mom does not bond with her baby?!!!

My bald baby so tiny to still fit in the sink!

Those first few months were the hardest. Every doubt I had seemed to genuine.

Devynn 6 months

Fast Forward.

March 13, 2011- Devynn just turned 11. WOW! And yes I know I say that with every passing year and with every child, but it amazes me every time! I look back at the day Devynn was born, and yes still feel grief for feeling the way I did, but now know it was not her. It was me. My guilt. My shame. But I am really over it now. I love this little girl fiercely! 

She is the epitome of genuine. Her heart is bigger then Texas and laughter contagious. Devynn is compassionate and down to Earth. She is innocent and so young. (she is preparing for the Tooth Fairy to visit tonight! Post on that soon to come!)

Her room is pink with bright patches of orange and yellow. Taylor Swift covers her walls as well as kittens, horses and pictures of her closest friends. She asked that her birthday be celebrated with only her family this year, a Sunday brunch with fresh flowers and board games. 

Devy's flowers

Us on Dev's Birthday

 There are days when she drives me crazy and other days when she is perfect company. My life would not be complete with out her.

I love all my children. I do not love them the same nor do I love them in equal parts everyday. I love them for who they are. I love them for making up our family. I love them for who they will become. And I love them for making me a better person.

This month I celebrate my Devynn's 11th birthday.

Devynn after a ride with Papa to Starbucks on her birthday

Happy Birthday Devy! I love you!!!!!!!

*F*E*A*R*

When I was five my older half brother, Brian, closed me inside of my wooden toy chest. My mom was busy in the kitchen preparing our lunch. I remember screaming as hard as I could, making my throat sore and raw. With all my strength, I kicked the top with my knees from inside to try and escape from the blackness that engulfed me. The air inside smothered me with warmth and it felt as if my hair was strangling me from all sides. I could hear Brian laughing and when he opened the top of the chest, his face quickly changed to regret as he saw the sheer terror in my eyes. Honestly, I was only trapped inside the box for a few seconds more or less. But it felt like an eternity. To this day my breath catches in tight quarters and my heart beats rapidly in the shadows.

I have other "silly" fears; heights, being alone, camping at night (in a tent, in the deep dark woods...)

Then there are the BIGGIES.

1. My Kids Growing Up

Prestton Charles aka Buddy, Brother, Lil Man: age 2
The true baby boy of the family. MELTS my heart!
Likes: cuddles, sleeping in bed with mom, "getting" his sisters, playing hide-and-seek, "I do it" all by himself, CEREAL, cars, trains, dinosaurs, "I play" (going to park), cesar chicken salad
Dislikes: going to his bed, being told no/ later/ not now/ hold on, wearing shoes, sharing, time out

Trynnity Leighann aka Trynn, Trynni, Sugar Bear, Tiny: age 4

STRONG WILLED. Bossy, imaginative & inquisitive.  

Likes: trinkets, shoes, bags/ purses/ little suitcases/ backpacks, getting her nails painted, drawing, reading books, GUM, the dress in this picture, being with big girls, blue blankie, shopping (really I don't know WHO'S child this is) 

Dislikes: someone else telling her what to do, bed time, not being a part of EVERYTHING

Devynn Ashley aka Dev, Devy, Mother Hen: age 10 (11 in 3 days!!!!!!) 

Free spirit, LOUD, genuine, kind; tries hard to fit into every crowd and wants to please everyone

Super BOSS to babies...

Likes: being the center of attention, Taylor Swift, singing in her room, getting her nails done, jewelry, things to be organized, loves animals, being with family, tea, art

Dislikes: confrontation, mean people, not being in control/ in charge, Trynnity going in her room, volleyball

Baylee Cheridon aka Bee, Beebo, Shorty, Bee Bear: age 12 (almost 13...)
The Guinea Pig (she's the oldest...), Attitude, Loving, Outgoing, STRONG, A Guardian of her siblings (even Dev), Accomplished, Athletic, Competitive
Likes: volleyball, modeling, t-shirts, make up, texting, being with friends, movies, baking, being the apple of Prestton and Trynnity's eye, BOYS, lime green, fast cars, trying anything that challenges her
Dislikes: drama, parental intervention, being on restriction, chores, broccoli cheese soup

I just want to hit pause and breath as much of them in as I can. My eyes tear up after each birthday, knowing that it marks one less year they will be under my roof. One more year before they learn how to peddle the wheels on their tricycle, read a book on their own, need a bra (girls only!), or go out on a date. And I WANT them to do all those things and sooooo much more. But I want it to slow down.

2. Something Happening to the Ones I Love

This would include all of the above, my husband, my parents, Jonathan, Walker Family, Lashley Family and friends. It truly terrifies me to think of anything happening to any of them. And as my children grow, the mama bear in me has a heighten awareness for worldly scum. My husband's job (yet another fear) is a daily reminder of what people can be capable of. 

(footnote: notice how 1 & 2 = being alone) 

3. Death

A couple of weeks ago I would have just categorized this under #2. Because loosing any of them is beyond fear... 

Unspeakable anguish.

A couple of weeks ago I would have told you I myself did not have a fear of dying.

But that changed instantly when I was admitted to the hospital for chest pains. After 48 hours and SEVERAL rounds of testing the doctor decided we would do a nuclear stress test. 

The nurse came into my room that sunny afternoon and said they were keeping me due to my test being positive. It read that the lower portion of my heart had poor blood circulation. I needed an angiogram to check for blockages and would need a stint or possibly surgery. 

The FEAR I felt at five years old in that dark toy chest... desperately trying to catch my breath in the smoldering darkness... rushed through my body. The blood drained from my head as I tried to process what was happening. 

Is she really saying what I think she is saying? MY heart? WHAT??!!! Wait... I am not that old... I have kids... my kids...

WHY?!! Why did I not take better care of myself? Why is this happening? 

And there in that bright sunny room, surrounded by family and friends I felt totally ALONE! Billy was holding my hand, Amber was embracing my other arm and I could not feel anything but numbness. I closed my eyes and prayed. I thought of all the happy parts of my life. My babies being born, holding them, watching all their first, being there for them. Meeting Billy. My wedding day. Key West (one of our stops on our honeymoon). Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, POSITIVE THOUGHTS. 

Then 24 hours later I was cleared. No blockage. I was told that the stress test had been a false positive. 

God certainly answers prayers. It may have been His gentle nudge for me to slow down, take care of myself.... breathe. 

I was on bed rest for a couple of days after my procedure to heal. The doctors are still not certain what is going on, but are guessing it could be esophageal spasms. The symptoms are comparable to having a heart attack and can be more severe with stress. I have an appointment to check for clots in my legs next week, but feel much more confidant that everything will be alright. 

Meaning my kids will not (at the moment) be alone. I am not alone.

In a way it's a chance to make things right. Taking care of me = taking care of my family. Allowing me the time to cherish the here and now... without so much fear. 

Live, Laugh, Love... FEARLESS

That's MY Girl!

She makes me smile...

and her smile lights up the room.
Love my Devy!

It's soooo Fluffy!!!!!

Have you seen Despicable Me?


We have.

AT LEAST 50 times since my dad got it for Trynnity this past Christmas.

It is also known as Annoying in my house. Trynnity could never recall the name of the movie and was tickled to death by the previews from last fall. Thus has renamed the movie Annoying.

And I can guarantee if you are around my children for any length of time you will hear them regurgitate the lines from the movie.

Just incase you feel like you are missing something, here is a short clip compliments of Prestton.

oxox